


Josh The Third

by TopicalAmazon (Animasta)



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, post episode s03e05 I Never Want To See Josh Again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 07:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12699834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animasta/pseuds/TopicalAmazon
Summary: Rebecca Bunch, post episode 305.





	Josh The Third

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I couldn't even with this episode, it gave me all of the feels.
> 
> /millenial
> 
> Seriously though, boy that was ROUGH. I've never tried myself (though I do have the thought sometimes), but i have been at the hospital for a mental health issue, so that episode really left me drained and crying. So yeah also, I'm writing this with the assumption that she has BPD. Mostly because I have BPD and I identify way too much with her, except for the part where she's high functioning and I'm not lmao

"Tell them to go away. Please." Rebecca pleads with her nurse, the one with the blue streak in his hair, "I can't see anyone."  
  
The nurse doesn't say anything at first and she finally reads his name tag. She's only just woken up after all, the doctor telling her a bunch of things she can't really process (lucky doctor plane? Something to do with a gas mask?). She has to focus her eyes for a second before realizing it.  
  
Josh. Because of course it is.  
  
He couldn't look any different to Josh. Either Joshes, though she definitely doesn't harbor the same burning desire to not be in the same state as White Josh.  
  
"Okay. Do you want me to kick them out? The white 10 and the older lady both said they'd stay all night." His soothing, baritone voice doesn't harbor any judgement at all, like it's completely fine she tried to kill herself with some of her mothers pills, almost potentially causing even more pain to everyone around her. That she found something even more bottoming out than sleeping with Marco. Like she's not the complete worst human being on the planet and should just die.  
  
"Paula would just sneak back in." She says with a nervous scratch of the ear and her leg going a million miles per hour, "They can stay, I just... can't see. Them. I mean." She can't really say who she doesn't want to see. She just wants everyone that knows her to go away; she even sent away that doctor who treated her before, demanding someone else.  
  
Of course, now she's in the mental health wing of the hospital which is so not his area, unless his bad humor made the patients feel better by comparison.  
  
"Of course, no problem. Anything I can get you right now?"  
  
"Sorry, what day is it again? I, didn't really understand the doctor. He was speaking really fast I guess?"  
  
"It's November 15th." Four days after the plane ride then, "Nobody was allowed in as of yet. We're not even sure how they figured out where you were, your mother called and suggested privacy."  
  
She can barely even comprehend what she feels about her mother right now, but at least that was the right move.  
  
"Yeah, my... frie... acquaita... are really, um, energetic. Dedicated?" As though she was trying to ask him if he knew a better word for the people out there that he didn't know at all.  
  
"Okay. You're allowed one visitor, but you don't have to if you don't want to of course. We're going to leave the door open, and there will be someone right outside."  
  
Right. Fair.  
  
"Hey, uh... one more question." She didn't know if he knew but she had to ask, "Um, I really want, well, need i guess, to apologize to the flight attendant, did she leave any... thing? Email, postage box, Fax machine?" She's starting to babble again, and it reminds her too much of her old life. The person who did SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGS  
  
Josh the Third seemed to realize the gravity to what she was saying and kneeled down to her bed, speaking even calmer than before, "Hey, don't worry, she just wants to know when you get better. She's... been here before. Not like, you know, here here, but you know."  
  
Thanks. is what she wanted to say, but she couldn't force the words out. She just nodded awkwardly (as she always does) and he leaves, smiling at her as he does so.  
  
Alone with her thoughts again...  
  
If she was the same Rebecca as she was a year ago, 5 months ago or even 6 days ago, she'd be figuring out ways to mitigate damage (and sometimes causing more damage in the process). Trying to explain it away as nothing more than an accident. Assuring everyone she was the same ol Rebecca, same old Cookie, same old Becks. Oh, that ol suicide attempt thing? Not even a thing!  
  
She wasn't though. She didn't think she'd ever be her again. This situation feels final in a way that few others do. Not in the terminate her life way ~~(haha she should've gone with carbon monoxide ha ha ha)~~ , but in the way that feels like she has to start over with all of the people in her life. Not only her Mom, or Paula, but even people like Karen or Dr. Akopian.  
  
"Dr. Akopian is really going to be mad..." She vocalizes her thought, fairly loudly, and an orderly pops her head in. She smiles in her best 'I'm not crazy!' smile and she leaves fairly slowly, still staring at her.  
  
She can't hide herself anymore, not in the way she's done for most of her life. Mock trial instead of the Camp (and hating every fucking second of it), being promoted to partner at the New York law firm (and having barely controlled anxiety), the person who chased after Josh with such reckless abandon that to any rational human being, was utterly crazy. Which she totally was.  
  
"I'm so broken insiiiiiide..." She sings to herself softly so the orderly doesn't come in.  
  
Most of the time, her suicidal thoughts were only that; idle thoughts of 'uh, wonder if i'd die if I crossed this busy intersection' or 'oh, we're high up in this building'. Something that she wouldn't do anymore because she had people in her life that loved her, that wanted to be close to her; Paula, Valencia, Heather, Darryl, Nathaniel, Josh, Greg... She couldn't really understand why, but hey, it's California. The place of dreams! Maybe she just found the one area she could be accepted in.  
  
But some of those people are gone. Josh is one step away from giving her a restraining order (which she totally deserves), Greg left to persue his dream (and honestly she can't be angry at him for that). Plus, her stupid little 'truth' bomb must've poisoned these people to her, right? There's no way they'd want to be around me now. They all want me to die (BY THE NOOSE) or fuck off to Denmark (AND GET GORED BY A REINDEER) or something. Someone as horrible as her didn't deserves to have friends, or boyfriends, or acquaitances. She didn't even deserve to be a soulless lawyer whose sole job was crushing the poor, because she'd be profiting from it.  
  
(She also wonders how Jarl is doing. Did he ever get to meet Paulie Shore? She hopes he met Paulie Shore)  
  
Her Mom was the last straw she had, and when she found those crushed up pills in her milkshakes (which were actually really good but now she can't drink milkshakes ever again UGH), any trust that'd been built there by Twister and popcorn was gone. Utterly gone, and any potential love? GONE. GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE.  
  
So why not, right? Except...  
  
They're all, apparently, in there. Her mother apparently called her phone a lot. Like, 30 times. She only did what she did because she didn't know what else to do. Her friends are all in there, Paula willing to wait all night for her, Valencia almost certainly ready to give a good natured barb. Heather here to impart some community college wisdom like only she knows how. Darryl's there, so worried like it was his daughter in this situation. Even the ones on the periphery, like White Josh, or Tim, they all want her to get better. Maybe the person she was before didn't deserve anyone in her life.  
  
Maybe she could become a person that does deserve these people in her life.  
  
She didn't even realize it was night until the orderly came in and asked if she wanted food.  
  
"No... but can you bring Paula in?" She said, her fingers twisting nervously under the sheets, "actually yeah I am kinda hungry. Some, like, chips or something?"  
  
Rebecca watched the orderly leave and her anxiety spiked for a brief second. She shook her head, breathed in through her nose, and laid back into her pillows to stare at the ceiling.  
  



End file.
